Networks with fewer wooshy noises have measured a staggering 35 percent loss of props amongst viewers 14-32. I ask you: Is this how you intend to come correct?

Yeah, this is what happens when I stay up all night. I watch too much TV and spend far too much time thinking about things of staggeringly small importance.

But that's what the Internet in general -- and personal websites in particular -- are for! So, with that in mind:

All people who are able to hear have "sonic hearing."

Yes, I'm talking to you, Bell-Howell. You are paying actors to repeat your uncalcuably inaccurate catchphrase as they shill for your SonicEarz™ system. Please ask a grownup for help next time you want to sound like anything but morons.

No, all medical problems can NOT be caused by "an acidic body."

I don't even know what this is about -- I just see that title over two people talking on this particular infomercial that's on some channel 24/7. It's probably some homeopathic supplement that wouldn't stand a Cubs player's chance in the World Series of passing the FDA's screening process. But basically, the answer is still no. The body's pH isn't going to fluctuate too much in the first place, and anything you can fit in a pill isn't going to have any effect on the pH of 200 pounds of human. But I guess if you didn't learn that in high school chemistry, you're probably the type to believe anything anyone in a suit tells you.

Your television might be infected with WORMS!

This one is fun. Vaguely Scandinavian young people ask, "Is your computer slowing down? Does it crash? YOU MAY BE INFECTED!" Of course, every computer slows down as it's used and more programs are installed, even if there aren't worms. Veloz / Stopsign / eAcceleratoin plays on this fact and tries to sell you their antivirus software. Though oily and greasy, this tactic isn't necessarily evil -- after all, you need an antivirus if you aren't running one anyway.

The problem is that their software is incredibly tricky -- installing itself and then asking for payment, popping up false warnings and urging you to buy the full package, and then trying to lure you to famous trojan-installing sites. Presumably they get kickbacks for this. This is bad -- it's scumware/adware/malware disguised as a solution. This preys on the ignorant, causes them no end of problems (did I mention it's very difficult to remove? It requires registry edits and safe-mode file deletion), and apparently makes the company buckets of cash. These people will be Hell's tech support once they get there.

It takes under five minutes to replace a trimmer spool.

I've even done it, and I never do yardwork. Why anyone would pay fifteen dollars (plus shipping and handling!) for the Weed Thrasher™ is beyond me. Why they would pay ten dollars for 75 cents' worth of plastic refills is even more baffling to me. Still, I guess there are enough morons out there to buy it. And speaking of morons...

Living in a "Battleground State" sucks.

During a commercial break in the Steelers game (Woo! I got to see it!) Sunday, there were no fewer than seven campaign ads. Two sets of them were opposing ads for the same races. It's sick. This money, donations though it may be, can in no way benefit anyone but TV stations now. There have been over six hundred million dollars raised and spent by the two major political parties in the presidential race alone.

With that kind of money, they could each have bought professional baseball teams. I hear the new Washington D.C. franchise is looking for owners. They could also have, oh, I don't know, built 50 new schools (without additional taxes!) or something frivolous like that. But I guess attacking each other on TV is important, too.

Okay, that's it for now. It's after six in the morning, so it's almost until my polling location opens. Then I can vote, get some groceries, come home, and hopefully sleep through the Fox News Channel declaring Florida for the Republicans before all the votes are in. Again.

and the joke is rather sad, that it's all just a little bit of history repeating